Stay In Your Lane - 5 Tip to Curb Comparison

By Kelly

My oldest child, is a head strong little fella. Other than the fact that he doesn’t take “no” for an answer (a quality that I’m convinced will help him in the future, but may be the death of me for now), he is constantly comparing what he has or doesn’t have to his brothers. While this character trait isn’t unusually shocking when siblings are involved, my oldest takes it to a whole ‘nother level. He gets so fixated on what his brothers have, or what he doesn’t have, that he will throw the biggest tantrum you’ve ever seen a child throw. That’s expected when kids are 2 and 3, right? Well, he’s 7.

One particular afternoon as we were frantically piling into the car and pulling out of the driveway trying to make it to baseball practice on time, he blew a gasket because he noticed his brother had grabbed a Z-bar from the pantry. You might as well have thought the world was coming to an end, because he (upon realizing his brother had something he didn’t) lost his ever-loving mind. “Why does he have a snack, and I don’t?!”...”That’s not fair!”...”You don’t love me!”...”You’re mean!!”...”my life is horrible!!”, were all I heard the entire way to baseball practice. Between tears and fits of rage, the incessant cries coming out of the backseat were enough to make one’s head explode. As we pulled into the parking lot of the baseball fields, I said, “Buddy, (trying to stay as calm as I possibly could as to not throw lighter fluid on an already burning fire) things are going to happen like this your entire life. People will have things you want, and you’ll have things people want. You can’t focus on what you don’t have. All that does is make you mad. You have to stay in your lane! If not, you’ll miss out on the things right in front of you”. No sooner did those words come out of my mouth when he and I both noticed a full size, unopened, granola bar sitting in his cup holder. He had been so fixated on what his brother had that he completely missed what was right there the entire time.

Are you struggling with constantly comparing yourself to others? Do things like jealousy, envy, and competitiveness (among others) consume you? Comparison, and the baggage that it carries, can prohibit us from growing into the person God created us to be. If we aren’t careful, comparison has the ability to take place as an idol in our lives therein hindering the good that God has planned for us. In a culture where comparison has so many opportunities to rear its ugly head, we must be cognizant of its characteristics.

The joy thief, comparison, will tell us our worth is measured based on the person next to us. It will make us believe we need to be faster, stronger, smarter, more unique, prettier, skinnier, wealthier, more righteous, more successful, appreciated, and known. It will try its hardest to distract you from the truth that God paid the ultimate price in sending His son to die because he loves you, all of you and just the way He made you, so much (John 3:16). Comparison will tell you to not appreciate what you have. It'll say you’re not doing a good job, because someone on social media is doing it better. It’ll lie to you to make you believe you need to be someone different than you are. It says you are accepted when you become what the world tells you instead of what God tells you. Comparison is a weapon in the enemy’s arsenal, and until we recognize the fiery arrow that is being shot at us and reach for the shield that saves us, we will continue to be targeted.

The Bible says in Matthew 6:33 (ESV), “but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you”. It doesn’t say, “hey, why don’t you go on over to your friend’s house and seek out the things she has so you can work really hard to have what she has and be better than her”. Um no. Jesus is essentially saying LOOK UP, people! God created each one of us with specific gifts and talents. We are all made different and unique. We are a product of his handiwork for a specific purpose that He planned for us long ago (Ephesians 2:10). If that’s true, then why do we need to worry so much with what other people have? Spoiler alert: WE DON’T!! I promise, you’re not missing out by not signing your 2 year old up for Portuguese lessons. The Holy Spirit has taught me 5 things to do to curb the habit of comparison. I hope you will find them as helpful as I have.

Five Tips to Curb Comparison:

1. Be grateful for the things you do have.

Whenever I find myself complaining or wishing I had more than I do, I get out my journal and list out things that I’m thankful for. Or if I’m in the car with the kids, and my mind starts to wander into envy land, I tell the kids that we are going to take turns saying 5 things we are grateful for out loud. Not only does this cultivate attitudes of gratitude in my children, but before I know it, my mood has completely shifted. Try it! And remember, if you’re breathing right now, you have something to be thankful for.

2. Speak what your feeling out loud to a close friend or spouse.

As awkward as it is, especially when we like to conceal our ugliest feelings, there is so much power in bringing it out into the light (make sure to check out coming soon, “The power of the Light” post). Being open and honest about those feelings of jealousy, envy, and selfish ambition with a close friend or a spouse not only can heal us (James 5:16), but it establishes trust between you and the other person and also gives the chance for your friend/spouse to give open and honest feedback. Warning! Make sure that this open dialogue doesn’t turn into a gossip session. Choose who you share with wisely! Hope grows when we have the courage to open up about the feelings brewing inside. Contrarily, footholds breed when these ugly feelings remain festering and undisclosed.

3. Speak with God about what your feeling.

Even more important than opening up with a friend or spouse about our comparison struggles, is being open and honest with God. Because guess what? He knows our heart anyway. Pretending we are perfect children does nothing but hurt our relationship with the Father. Concealing what He already knows doesn’t give His strength an opportunity to substitute our weakness (which in this case is comparison). Remember, God doesn’t force us to choose Him. He doesn’t force us to talk to Him. It’s our choice whether we take Him up on the healing and help only He can provide. So what are you waiting for?

4. Give social media a timeout.

As much as I want to “like”, “love”, and “comment” on just about every post that comes across my Newsfeed, comparison rears its ugly head most on social media. Almost no one posts pictures of their child throwing a tantrum in the back of their SUV on the way to baseball practice (definitely not talking about me…). Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and all the other fantasy-land internet outlets, where authenticity goes to die, is the perfect soil for jealousy, envy, greed, and pride to grow best. So take a break from it for awhile and watch how your mood changes.

5. Pay attention to your thoughts.

So let’s say you’re still uncomfortable making tip #3 and #4 happen. I get it. It’s hard being vulnerable. Try thinking about what you’re thinking about. Is that nasty little thought of, “I wish I had that” or “I wish I was that skinny” or “I wish I had the platform he/she has” continuing to creep in your mind? Flush it out my friend! That’s the enemy gaining traction and we must take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) before the evil one gains a foothold. Start substituting those thoughts of jealousy and envy into thinking about things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent and worthy of praise (Phillipians 4:8). If you can develop this intentional thinking into a habit, before you know it, those thoughts will need to ask permission from the Almighty before they enter your mind.

Now, to those who have made that decision to fervently follow Jesus, and you're bursting at the seams to know how God is going to use you: Good news! God has an assignment for you and you only! Your assignment might not come in the same form or fashion that your friend’s does. Keep in mind, my little guy didn’t find a Z-bar sitting next to him like his brother had. Instead he got a granola bar. It still served the same purpose of satisfying hunger but it came in different packaging. If you are a Christian following Jesus, our mission is the same: Go and make disciples of all the nations (Matthew 28:19). But how you do that, when you do that, where you do that, the skills that God has given you to do that, are all going to look completely different than your Jesus following friend sitting next to you at church. And that needs to be OK! If God took the time to design intricate details, such as an estimated 6 billion people’s fingerprints all distinct and unlike any other, do you really think he would have made other parts of us humans the exact same? NO! He gave you something that only YOU can do. Something that he created you for in order to fulfill His purposes and to bring Him glory here on earth. The very reason we are still allowed another breath here on earth is because He isn’t finished with us!! We still have work to do for his kingdom. It’s time to stop looking at who’s beside you and start looking at who’s above you and get on with your assignment!